For now.

Hey.

So…
like many... most... perhaps all of you reading this... I'm struggling.

Yeah... profoundly.

Perhaps in a way I never have before, since... I don't know when.

It's as if my natural inclination to reach out to connect, engage with the world of people around me... to... try to do my part to... help foster... inspiration... perspective... laughter... something... anything... has been... choked. Then punched.
Then choked again... ‘til my passing out.

And as I'm sitting here... feeling like my having just somewhat revived from passing out... that above stated inclination... is... wounded, subdued, and very worn down.

Which leaves me in a place of needing to...
pull in... to... take some time, and simply do what's before me next. Along with a lot of resting in between.

I can't make myself feel better about any of this. So all I can do at this point... is take immediate stock around me... today... and do what I can to survive. Then... do that tomorrow as well. What that is may look different from one day to the next. Then the day after that. And so on.

I don't know how long I'm going to feel pulled in. Close to the chest. But I know it's going to be... for as long as I need.

I'll take immediate stock around me today... and then the next day... to do what I can to survive... and whatever supports the best headspace for that... each day. For me... a lot of rest will likely be a part of that day-to-day. Unless I find at some point that it isn't. It's all very “we'll see what the day holds.”

Beyond what the day holds... I can't... at least not right now... extend my reach to try to control or affect much of what holds my disappointment. That is, until I can. We'll see what that day holds. Whenever that day comes. I can't force it. I can only be where I am.

Today holds sadness and worry and then sadness again. And weary exhaustion. I'll do my best to attend to those feelings. To support myself as I experience them. And do the same tomorrow as needed. Each day seeing what the day holds.. for my outlook.. and what I need to do to take care of myself as best I can.

Then repeat the next day.. depending on what that day holds. Today.. so far.. has a lot of rest as a part of this. A lot of.. just focusing on.. being. Just.. letting myself feel.. as much as I need to feel. Rage, sadness, worry, detachment. Being. Resting. Seeing what it holds from there. Repeat. A day at a time.

I found a written piece a couple of years ago by Mary Reilly Mathews, LCSWR that helped support a stabilizing internal sense of staying rooted to myself In previous rough times. I find myself gravitating towards it again now. I'm not much for toxic positivity. At all. What I liked about this find is that it didn't purport to try to put a false sunny ray of sunshine on bad situations. It spoke of hope, but not in those unrealistic terms at all. Terms which I find… not helpful. Instead, this find spoke of hope as being a tool for this said alternative application. To help better stabilize oneself. To stay rooted to oneself during awful, indeed perhaps very upsetting worrisome daunting times.

Perhaps, as with me, it’ll aid your movement into.. staying more stably rooted to yourself.. to help better navigate this undeniably rough climate.

It may help to, as it does me, as best as possible, only concern your energy output with doing what you can to take care of yourself and those closest to you with each day that comes. For that day only. Whatever's in your power. It may be on a smaller scale some days more than others. Even if it means keeping to yourself a little more than you have before. Take it a day at a time. Be true to what your needs are each of those days. And do your best to be good to each other.
Take care.