One Person At A Time: A specific truth that perhaps should be, but is not often fully expressed.

Happy Mother’s Day. This is my first post but I’ve got Mother’s Day prep to do, so whatsay we skip the preamble (maybe I’ll tell more about myself later in a future post), and meanwhile let’s dive right in to today’s portion of my brain’s not-by-popular-demand clockwork, shall we?

(It was at that point, the tumbleweeds and crickets began to silently back away.)

A specific truth that perhaps should be, but is not often fully expressed– by some of us because it’s obvious and goes without saying, nor by some others of us because it absolutely isn’t and doesn’t:

When someone makes the choice to share with you either who they are, and/or additionally what they are (in response to even an unmalicious, somewhat commonly presumptive misperception that they may have had asserted towards them, either subtly or explicitly)… and you in turn respond to what that person decided to share with you about themselves, not by merely expressing dislike or hatred towards the aspects that person has expressed, but instead by dismissing, invalidating, and/or refusing to acknowledge the very existence of what they’ve shared about themselves with you… by your responding to this and them with some version of asserting that… there’s no such thing…

Well…

… this is possibly the most profound and deeply personal way to effectively alienate and utterly reject another human being.

Imagine saying in response to the person who shares, for instance, that they’re on the autistic spectrum… that there’s no such thing as autism, while saying that they’re, instead, just someone who behaves unreasonably. One might as well just say to someone who just shared that they are 5 feet 10 in tall, that there’s no such height as 5 ft 10 in , and that they must be either 5 ft 6 or 6 ft 2, the only two heights that you recognize as legitimately existing.

Whether they deem your assertion to be absurd, or hurtful, or neither, you will have, nevertheless, quite effectively revealed to them that foundationally, in your eyes, what and/or who they are… doesn’t even exist.

(This is in no way limited to the hypothetical scenario of this response to someone sharing that they’re on the autistic spectrum. This refers to any aspect about oneself, psychological, cultural, relational, religious, physical/racial-makeup, gender-based, personal preferences, personality in general, etc. that one decides to share with another person.)

However, especially if this person has had enough people, through some aspect, invalidating their very existence, either casually without thought, awkwardly with shame and discomfort, or downright maliciously… should you happen to be one of the people who actually *does* embrace *who* they are, and also embraces *what* they are, namely through the foundational ability to acknowledge that both what and who they are do, indeed, exist… and they are *just as inclined to do the same for you*…

… You may just have a friend for life.

This is the true meaning of what acceptance is. Acceptance is not you accepting what and who you insist another person is, despite and instead of what they’re trying to share with you about themselves. Acceptance is the response of accepting the who and the what that someone has chosen to share about themselves with you, given they’ve had the respectful space with you to do so. Nor (and this is a key and crucial distinction), is someone who’s trying to share who they are with you the same thing as someone denying that you felt some way in response to something they may have done to hurt your feelings. Perhaps, for instance, hurting your feelings because they… denied the existence of who and/or what you are. Someone denying how you feel treated by them, is in no way even the same interpersonal category of someone being upset because you deny that something they shared with you about them even exists. Indeed in both scenarios, the offense is done by someone being made to feel that something about themselves does not exist, be they emotions, physical traits, self identity, orientation, yes, even their belief systems that you may not share with them, all of these things are a profound rejection of another human being.

And to be clear, this in no way includes (if there happens to be any) the specific portions of their belief system defined by them effectively denying the categorical existence of others, which does, into turn, effectively cancel out their moral foundation of expecting the same respect that they, themselves, cannot & will not give to others. But outside of that, if you try to tell someone, who does accept the Who and the What of yourself, but that you nevertheless expect that they should accept your assertion that their God doesn’t exist, thus, neither does the very core of their spiritual being, while they certainly have no grounds to expect that their spirituality is a morally founded reason to deny your existence nor that it should begin to ever be morally acceptable to you, you equally have no grounds to expect that your personal understanding of the world is a valid reason why they should accept your rejection in having their spiritual being rendered non-existent by your assertion to them. (So, again, to be clear, this in no way includes, if any, the specific portions of their belief system defined by them effectively still denying the existence of others, which does, in turn, effectively cancel out their moral foundation of expecting the same respect from those they cannot & will not give that same respect to… just as you also can’t morally expect so for yourself from them, if you can’t do so for them.)

For the record and what it’s worth, I am neither in any way religious, nor gender self-identifying in any non-traditional way. It is nonetheless important, and for the sake of any healthy diverse society, crucial to note that one can accept the nature of another person’s existence of their religious convictions even if one has no personal experience with what it’s like to have those convictions. Just like one can accept the nature of another person’s non-traditional gender identity or, say, non-traditionally categorized racial identity, or any other markers of what may define the what and/or the who for some people, even if one has no personal experience with what it’s like to identify as such. Because that’s how we respect the existence of others rather than rendering others non-existent. By saying, even if I don’t personally know what that’s like to be that way, I respect that I will never know what it’s like for you to be the way you understand yourself to be, and I will give you the space to be that as long as you give me the space to be that as well. If we can respect each other to be who we are and not through that reject the existence of others, we have the beginnings of what it truly means to build genuine acceptance amongst ourselves. The chain is only as strong as the weakest most prone to breaking link.

Perhaps it’s through the realization of the many aspects by which one can reject the nature of who or what another is when you really explore the context of how many ways one can do this, it is, thus, much easier to see how much attentiveness is truly warranted when really upholding the principal of not endeavoring to profoundly reject another individual human being for who and/or what they are. Doing so takes time, thought, and empathetic consideration designed around regarding any given individual, and done so with these aspects in mind… one person at a time. This is the worthwhile valuable nature of the compassionate effort inherent to what it means to afford basic respect to the existence of another human being. But if not even attempted, and instead, only asserting an aspect of another person’s, in some way, non-existence is the goal, then in every case, that relationship, that connection, that ability to give another human being there due respect and expect due respect from them in return is effectively in the process of being undermined, dismantled, and eventually erased.

So, if you truly want to accept any given individual, simply begin by, in the very least, paying them the foundational respect of regarding each of them, one person at a time, through giving each the space to be heard and validated… one person at a time, for the *who* and the *what* about themselves that they’ve chosen *you* to share this with.

Thus, it should be fairly understood that for any who cannot do this, they are profoundly rejecting the existence of another human being. And that human being, assuming at least a modicum of inclination to value sense of self and/or self-respect, will most likely not be able to have any kind of existing relationship with that person as a result of having been experientially and, thus, effectively rendered nonexistent by them.

Human beings truly are a fascinating and engaging collection of profoundly varied individuals from one person to the next in so many different ways. And indeed we share so many similarities in so many different ways. And often these differences and/or similarities don’t align with the expectations of those who come into contact with us, sometimes because they don’t believe these traits even exist, sometimes because they don’t expect traits to come in a certain physical package or certain physical traits to come from a psychological package, or any number of other combinatorial existence “fingerprints” of an individual human being. There is, nevertheless, a genuinely immeasurable amount of space in the social real estate that can be made to give each and every single one of us the respect to be heard and genuinely accepted by those with whom we choose to share the who and the what of each of us may be, one person at a time.

Or… we don’t have to bother with any of this. And we can all simply keep the social climate we have amongst us in the world right now.

Flippant facetiousness aside, I suspect, deep down, that the more each of us feels enabled and empowered to discover and understand more ways to help us with how to navigate seeing and accepting others while feeling *the very same is done for us*, the more, in turn, every single one of us instinctively, and at our core, wants the former kind of social climate in the world and not the latter, no matter what our backgrounds, identities, and/or affiliations may be.

When it comes to all the many profoundly varied ways that the nature in which a human being exists from one person to the next, indeed, with this being one of the things that collectively makes our very species as a whole so powerfully adaptive, innovative, intricately nuanced, and infinitely and admirably prolific…

… this is by its very virtue one of our most advantageous and greatest fortunes in there genuinely being room for each of us to exist.

So… if the idea of sampling the amazingly shared, and often unexpected variance, as well as, the refreshingly shared, and often equally unexpected similarities that you can experience from such a richly fascinating pool of lives out there is something you seem to find inherently appealing…

Then never stop valuing that space of getting to know, of respecting, of accepting, but first, the space of acknowledging the very nature of existence in all the individuals that we may come across in one way or another in our lives.

Want to know who someone is spiritually? Ask them, listen, and should they trust the opportunity to share it with you, then as a result, actually get to know them. Philosophically? Ask them, listen, and as a result, actually get to know them. Who they are politically? Who they are culturally? Subculturally? Creatively? What they are genderwise? What they are racially? Professionally? Who they are interpersonally? Romantically? Intellectually? Experientially? Who they are cuisine preferentially? What they are food substance allergenically? Ask them, listen, and should they Trust the opportunity to share it with you, respect that trust and as a result… rather than persistently trying to assert that whatever they’ve shared with you about themselves… does not exist, either for them specifically, or for anyone, instead simply provide them with the space and accepting spirit of listening for them to safely share with you both who they are, as well as what they are, either of which you may not at all understand nor perceive until you do start to ask and listen. And in return require no less of this basic respectful courtesy for yourself from them… so that you each may see each other show willingness to get to know and accept each other for whatever and whoever each of you has been allowed to express about yourselves through each other’s demonstrated commitment to understanding others through hearing and accepting them…

One person at a time.

(Did I already say Happy Mother’s Day?)

Post 1, day 1: complete.